Hi. I’m Wolfgang. I have a little brother called Merlin, and my parents are the girl that writes this blog (DotS) and Jeffrey.
I don’t like winterstorm Nemo. And I will tell you why.
First of all, Jeffrey was stuck in a hotel last night after work because of the snow. All schools and businesses closed early, and everyone got to go home and enjoy an early start to the weekend. But I guess hospitals don’t work that way. DotS and Jeffrey were really excited to become doctors… until they realized that that means being “essential personnel” for the rest of their lives.
Second of all, being a dog really limits my bathroom-going opportunities. Especially when you’re a good dog like me, who only goes outside on the grass. So last night when DotS was like, “You wanna go outside?!!” and let me out into the middle of a BLIZZARD, I felt deceived. Did she actually expect me to do my business in those conditions? The wind was crazy. The snow was deep. I was cold. And where the flip was my grass?!
I needed to pee, but I was excited! I was miserable, but I wanted to play! Then I got distracted, and started rolling in the snow. Then it got all caught in my long hair, and I started to shiver. I demanded to be let back in the house, and made a huge mess when all the snow melted off my hair. Then I got angry because my bladder was full, and I started barking senselessly. Then she didn’t feed me dinner so I wouldn’t need to poop. And then she went to bed! THE NERVE!
NEMO IS THE WORST.
The next morning DotS grabbed a shovel and for 45 minutes dug out a path for me that led to a tree. She thinks she’s so smart. What, just because I’m a dog I’m gonna run to the first tree available?! Hmph. Obviously, I refused to pee again. What does she think I am, an animal?
Finally, after she’d had her morning coffee and bowl of cereal, and watched one unnecessary episode of “Hoarders: buried alive,” she had some sense knocked into her and she carried me out onto the plowed street.
She dressed me in my thick coat and winter boots. I looked like a fool, but my paws didn’t freeze off.
The snow drift outside our house was like 3 feet tall. I’m glad she carried me. The snow went up to her thighs!
After 20 minutes of walking up and down the street, I did it.
See how good I did? I also pooped. But she didn’t feel the need to photograph that for some reason. I went an entire 18 hours without having an accident. BOO-YAH! I’m pretty much every dog-owner’s dream.
When I was finally ready to go inside and be warm again, I had to pose through an interminable amount of useless pictures. Ugh. She’s so predictable. And irrational.
Seriously. What could possibly be interesting about me standing on the snow-buried table?
But at the end of it, I got my reward. She ran me a warm bath and I finally stopped shivering.
Now I’m warm, my bladder is empty, and I smell delicious.
And she finally fed me!
-Wolfgang
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